In case any Major League Baseball players are reading this, I’m going to explain how to bunt when the objective is to move a runner up. (This is called a sacrifice bunt.) First, square up (with your feet) as the pitcher begins his windup. Your torso will be facing the pitcher. You can’t do this too early. Remember: Your objective is not to fool anyone; it is to get the goddamned bunt down. Second, hold the bat parallel to the ground. Third, rest the barrel of the bat in your upper hand. Grasp it (lightly) between your thumb and the side of your index finger. Keep these digits behind the bat, so that they don’t get crushed by the ball. Fourth, put the bat at the top of your strike zone. This is important, for if the pitch is above where you have your bat, it is, by definition, a ball. This prevents you from having to think too much. If the pitcher walks you, that is even better than a sacrifice, for a sacrifice, as the name implies, is an out. Fifth, never move the bat forward. In other words, never lunge for the ball. If anything, move it backward. But preferably, you do not move it at all, except downward, keeping the bat parallel to the ground at all times. Yes, downward. This forces the ball onto the ground, which is—are you ready?—where you want it. Think of yourself as catching the ball with your bat. Got it? Now get out there and do what every Little Leaguer learns to do, without compensation, during the first week of practice.

Addendum: Those of you who are not good with words may prefer this image.